A Story Short

Posted: April 4, 2014 in Blogs

I’ve been told before that if you are aggrieved at someone or something that you should write a letter about it, even if you don’t send it, to help make peace with it in your head. I don’t think aggrieved is the right word to explain the serious anger I’ve felt towards the ending of a chapter in my life and rather than being directed at something or someone else, I am angry with myself. Much like a disappointed parent, it’s the worst anger, in my book! So this is a rant (aren’t many blogs these days?!), a letter, but more than that it’s a short story. I don’t need to send it and hopefully all the right people will read it. So many genuine friends; people that really do care for me, look out for me and love me gave warnings and advice that I did not heed! Instead I burnt my fingers. Actually I may as well have dived into a cauldron of molten lava.

The short story, in real life time, lasted a year and a half and 3 days right up until this moment in time that I write – the first time that I feel I can put the book down. Normally I’d take it to a charity shop, or give it to someone but this one I want to burn. There were moments when the writer decided and tried to end a chapter in order to finish the story, but the plot engulfed her, swallowed her up and carried on churning out soap opera style dramas. It all started on a night out at the pub, with lots of people from their own little community. As summarised by a dear, wise friend, it was a classic case of girl meets boy, but boy already has girl. Let’s cut to the chase, we know the girl is me (not the original girl, I’m another girl). Despite being fairly cynical, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I also don’t like to use social media as a relied upon source of information, although in this instance it became my only source of information. A relationship status on Facebook is not necessarily a herald of truth; you’d expect maybe some transition time or some ambiguity. You wouldn’t expect someone else to blazingly instigate a relationship if they were already in one, or at least tell the truth about it if they did.

Having never chartered this kind of territory before, I remember speaking to a friend who had. He explained something quite different, about excitement because you knew it was wrong, a talking point and a common interest! I just got secrets and lies hmpf. The hardest thing for me to address now is how long I stayed in this ridiculous situation and why? Well obviously I’m in the process of highlighting all the negative aspects, one has to remember that I am not a total imbecile and there were good bits too. I don’t want to take away the good bits, similarly I don’t want to talk about them – it breaks my heart that it’s such a waste of potential. I believed in it, I wanted it to be something it was never going to be but I was prepared to ignore all my inbuilt protection for a chance at being happy and being in love. For all my throwing myself at that fridge magnet ethos, ‘dance like no ones watching, love like you’ve never been hurt’ rubbish, I got nowhere, except burnt with the lava – as discussed.

There is an incredulous list of ‘incidents’ that were upsetting and often incredibly insensitive and then there was a great deal of stress and emotional dystopia that surrounded them. My favourite, lesser, incident was when we went Christmas shopping and he bought his girlfriend a present while I was there. Something that I’d pointed out because I had bought it for my friend. Before you impart with a shred of doubt, it was blatant, it was synonymous with name. Which is ironic because I can count the number of times her name was mentioned on one hand! As time went on, I realised I was extended the same courtesy, during this debacle I wasn’t known to anyone vaguely important in his life. With the exception of one sporting circle in which we met – even then, everyone was just let to believe something was going on. Never met a single friend, certainly not a family member. Stupid, stupid girl! That’s because his friends and family know his girlfriend! It doesn’t do much for your self confidence, your self-esteem and any remaining dignity you were fighting to keep hold of.

Among many plans, some social, some small, some fun, some more significant I never really got any truth. For a long time I was led to believe a living situation other than it actually was. Buying a house with someone is not the same as living with your parents. Why I didn’t run as far away as I could as fast as I could then, I don’t know. If you are lied to a lot and things get explained away, you get accustomed to it, it becomes less hard hitting. Instead, I shared my life, my friends, my house, my food, my bed, my family, my sport and my hope that it would all change. What a fool am I? Things to remember for the future – if you can’t go round to someone’s house for dinner you shouldn’t consider living with them. All the while, my friends are concerned for me and worried.

The final piece de resistance which provided a good kick in the teeth and perhaps what I needed to bounce back to reality was when I started suggesting things needed to change (I’d asked several times before to no avail). We had planned to go skiing, booked time off and were on the verge of parting with hard-earned cash. I must have had a sudden moral contemplation because I backed out – surely he needed to be single first? Anyway, I thought he might use that time to think about selling his house or working out a way we could be together. Foolish, foolish girl! But no, he took his girlfriend instead. The story has turned into a comedy; it started out romance, then went drama and now it’s a frivolous joke. It’s short of depth, character and plot. It deserves to be left abandoned on a shelf that no one can reach. I wanted to tell it to the people in my life that have put up with me during this time, to hold my hands up for being utterly stupid and wrong; I should have walked away a long time ago.

I consider myself independent, assured, life-experienced and fairly bright. I’ve had to deal with quite a lot in my years, a lot that most people would find daunting. The last 18 months have been challenging and now I have another string to my bow, I’m wiser, stronger and more open and honest than I ever have been. On top of that, I’m sporting a new hair do. I’ve cut away all the dead wood, for new love, short and sweet. It is a new chapter and I’m not selling the next story short.

 

 

 

 

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Comments
  1. Kev says:

    Well sorted, you beautiful girl x

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